Saturday 14 April 2018
Wednesday 29 October 2014
I have stopped using substances to keep the repressed, repressed. I am still using prescibed drugs as my mental health dips and dives, through emotional trauma and chemical changes natural and other wise. I use prescription drugs/therapies/plasters, ethically, but i also know they keep a small part of me shut away, a part that appears in fitfull and fighting dreams. I seem to go three steps forwards and two back. I read some where that this could be a dance. Hopefully a dance towards the a more authentic me.
To day I am tearful, I'm tired and although I can name things and people in my my life that I am trully thankful to have and be blessed with, some how the future is becoming so dim. To night I want to sleep forever and never wake .I have had a week of inconsiderate neighbours, whose guests have woken me up at 3am, 5am and so on. It is not helpful, I have spoken to them, but to no avail. I have now complained to my housing officer. I want to be able to rest in my home. They will look into it to see what can be resolved. So far the tennant concerned is not answering their door or phone. It is now gone 9pm, it's been a long long day. I have earplugs in to dull the sound from the flat above and soft music playing in the back ground to dull the sounds of elephant sized sounding hooves above my head. I don't want to be woken up tomorrow, not too early anyway.
Tomorrow, I have an interview with a researcher delving into the cognitions in schizophrenia and bipolar disorders, I haven't been diagnosed with either, but I have had clinical dpression for most of my life and have had phychotic episodes. I have been diagnosed with the depression and PTSD. I hate living with my conditions, They are so debilitating .
I have physical challenges too, Notice I said challenges and not problems, viewing them as challenges helps me to see them as some thing to overcome instead of being overcome by. But God it knackering !!!
I am very grateful also to The Living Room, this give me space and time in this crazy world to try to make sense of who I am and how to unravel some of the brambles and escape the thorns of yesteryear to make a new future. I am particularly Grateful to "L", and the group for putting up with me and my more than occasional preset rambles and some tentative attempts to be the real me. Old habits die hard, hiding has become a way of life that I really want to change, instead of being crippled by fear of rejection.
I have through today. I am still breathing and nothing has falling off. Rambling has eased my unease.
To day I am tearful, I'm tired and although I can name things and people in my my life that I am trully thankful to have and be blessed with, some how the future is becoming so dim. To night I want to sleep forever and never wake .I have had a week of inconsiderate neighbours, whose guests have woken me up at 3am, 5am and so on. It is not helpful, I have spoken to them, but to no avail. I have now complained to my housing officer. I want to be able to rest in my home. They will look into it to see what can be resolved. So far the tennant concerned is not answering their door or phone. It is now gone 9pm, it's been a long long day. I have earplugs in to dull the sound from the flat above and soft music playing in the back ground to dull the sounds of elephant sized sounding hooves above my head. I don't want to be woken up tomorrow, not too early anyway.
Tomorrow, I have an interview with a researcher delving into the cognitions in schizophrenia and bipolar disorders, I haven't been diagnosed with either, but I have had clinical dpression for most of my life and have had phychotic episodes. I have been diagnosed with the depression and PTSD. I hate living with my conditions, They are so debilitating .
I have physical challenges too, Notice I said challenges and not problems, viewing them as challenges helps me to see them as some thing to overcome instead of being overcome by. But God it knackering !!!
I am very grateful also to The Living Room, this give me space and time in this crazy world to try to make sense of who I am and how to unravel some of the brambles and escape the thorns of yesteryear to make a new future. I am particularly Grateful to "L", and the group for putting up with me and my more than occasional preset rambles and some tentative attempts to be the real me. Old habits die hard, hiding has become a way of life that I really want to change, instead of being crippled by fear of rejection.
I have through today. I am still breathing and nothing has falling off. Rambling has eased my unease.
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